This morning before I went to work my mom said she wanted to use the car.

The deal was that I send her anywhere she wants to go but to not let her use the car because of the woman. It just turned ugly. When I went into her room, she was crying, out of anger of sadness I do not know but it was more out of anger. She was saying how can we treat her like this especially after what she has did for us.

She fails to see that it is what she has chosen for herself. We gave her an easy way out but she wouldn't take it. Instead she's eating only bread and blaming me. I keep asking her to go out and eat with me and she refuse to and then she's blaming me for her stubbornness? It really makes me very frustrated about the whole situation.

When I was driving, tears just came down. Why must my mom have things this way? Why?

I'm going crazy

I wish she was never in our lives.

Last Saturday, all siblings came back from KL to evict the woman out of our house.
Mom protected her. This woman, Adeline Chin is 55 this year, and is crazy. We suspect she has Schizophrenia. She claims to hear the voice of God.

5 years ago, she was involved in a struggle with me and I regretted that I did not report the police. She pulled my hair and tried to do a deliverance on me. My mother did not help me, she even took the ruler to hit me. Mom later claimed that I was struggling with her, and that I pushed and made my mom nearly fall and hurt my own mother. But since she was evicted out of my brother's office, we let the issue go.

However, 5 years later, she is here at my house, for 2 months. Feeding my mom a bullshit story about going to Switzerland. After doing some investigation, she is certified a bankrupt. How can a bankrupt go to Switzerland I ask you? And also she's an illegal immigrant. She came from West Malaysia on her husband's work permit and her husband has already left for KL many years ago.

I don't understand, how can a woman be dangerous and we can do nothing to get her out of our lives? Get some justice done? That incident 5 years ago left me with slight emotional trauma, I detest seeing her face.

We lodged a police report and still she wouldn't leave, in fact had my mom take off the grill of the window for her to climb in! ( The door is a no no for it is on my brother's side of the apartment) This is preposterous and I don't know what I can do about this. She's harassing my life, I do not even dare to eat or drink in my own home!

I don't need much to be happy ok. I just want my mom back the way she was. She has changed so much. So much. Things that we have to do is eating me inside. Having her give away her furniture ( We're going to seal up the wall, if she refuses to kick the woman out, and that was the last thing she wanted but she said Go ahead! God help us.) Truth is, we don't want to seal up the wall. She's our mother. I want my mom. I want my mom back.

Having to see her at 65, being tired from packing and... she's just old okay. But we don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.I know I may speak to her rudely or roughly, but I love her very much.

Now my mom is in debt, still the woman won't let her go. How much longer is the woman going to cheat my mother? The woman is a schizo, a bankrupt and has no permit to stay in Sabah! Where is the justice in keeping society safe? How can I feel safe anymore when a threat is right here in my home and I cannot do anything about it?

Never own stuff like Mom.

It's been more than a year since I've wrote anything.

Cut things short, I had internal drama for nearly a year. About September or October we were together. Then he nearly kissed some girl and I got really pissed and starting spewing poison and lead at him, and he couldn't take it over the phone, and said we wouldn't work out. And thus, I drew a sharp intake of breathe, and just took it in. At that time, I thought if he could just walk away so easily, I would too.

Reading back on what I wrote, being involved with A makes me think that I'm not loving myself the way I should. Because I allow myself to be vulnerable, so vulnerable. Is that love? I'm so tired of being hurt again.

I nearly did get over him until he asks if we can start over again. At that point of time, I was ready to give up the acquaintance to just stop the pain. If it's going to take a year to get over him, I won't be talking to him for a year, that's what I thought.

I decided to give us another chance, and so far we're doing good. In fact I need him. Especially since I'm facing stupid family crap issues. My mom has bad management in certain matters.

All I wanted to tell myself is this: Do not own mountains of things till you can't see your own floor, and especially don't leave dust to accumulate till it is visible. Take mom as a lesson!

10th January 2010

It’s been nearly a month since I wrote. On the 23rd of December was my downfall. I did something I wasn’t supposed to and things have been going the wrong way since then. I’ve become more involved with A. To the point of being rejected even though i didn’t know it was that at first.

It happened again the day after I had an outburst of emotions. The day I got turned down, so to speak. It won’t happen again. I just couldn’t hold my feelings in but I have made up my mind (when I was recovering from a hangover without the headache today) that I don’t want to keep something that will make me sad around my heart.

I thought I’ve gotten so tipsy on Christmas on soju… that it was bad enough that it was the first time I drank so much that I vomitted. It was gross. 2 cups at that. Ugh.

But yesterday, topped it off. It was my birthday and I wasn’t feeling like it was anything special. I had 6 different types of alcohol, ugh. i’m staying away from drinking like how I’ve always done before this. Celebrating is not an excuse anymore because there is nothing to celebrate! Yay! so there’s Whisky, irish beer, WATERFALL (flaming thing that tastes powdery like Chinese medicine, horribly potent do not take it; the guy who gave it to me got killed by a hitman I hired), wine, vodka, champagne. All of them don’t taste too good, but that’s because I don’t like alcohol. Yesterday was bizarre as hell. We ended up staying a friend’s place. More like an acquaintance. And that person is messed up.

It was a pity because I thought he seemed adorable, as in silly adorable like a guy goofing around, having fun. Yah, goofy. Which translates to adorable, cute. But alas, he has a terrible addiction to weed, but I’m not judging. It’s just sad that people don’t realise that there just has to be more to it in life than weed, or alcohol, or partying. I mean, I’ve always thought that people realise it but, recently I just don’t know anymore. I wish that person would stop being messed up because I actually do care. But why am I not saying it to him? Because what would be the point? They think it is fun. And besides, he’s not my friend. And besides, people don’t just go around caring for strangers.

But overall, I think when I’m tipsy, I still remember things, and I hate the feeling of vomitting, and I would say out my real feelings or thoughts about things. And more importantly, I become very emo, because that would be when my real feelings would surface. Like when things bother me, I wouldn’t know it actually does bother me until well, I cry. When I cry, then I realised how much it actually bothered me.

How much this whole fiasco with A is bothering me. It bothers me that I like him more and more. My thoughts yesterday when I was looking at everybody in my tipsy haze, was that there are so many guys in front of me right now, why can I not have feelings for just any one of them?

I didn’t realise this whole thing was making me so sad inside, until well, yesterday. And today in my hangover without the headache phase; not hungry, thinking of food makes me want to heave, emo unhappy sad., I was thinking, why make myself so unhappy over this? Over a guy? If I stop having these feelings for him then I won’t be unhappy anymore.

If I am sad, it means he is not making me happy. Because if he is, I wouldn’t be feeling sad. But he can’t make me happy, because he doesn’t want it. He cannot have a commitment. Honestly, guys can’t figure out what girls are thinking. If you’d ask me, I can’t figure out what he’s thinking. He wants it but he’s afraid. Then when I take the first step, he backed off. This is the 2nd time in my life that I felt rejection. After I got rejected by the first guy I told myself I would never do something stupid like this again. I have had enough, I am washing my hands from having feelings for A.

The next time if there is going to be someone important to me, he’s going to be able to put his arms around me when I’m upset.

Oh, and I got an F for Economics n Society, like wtf. It’s like you’re telling me I failed English. I mean, I put in so much effort in this subject compared to the others. I have like a’s and a b but suddenly an F!! Like wth. 50% lecturer 50% exam, lecturer gave me 47/50. The only reason I’d get an F is that I didn’t get 25/50 for my exam but I am confident that I did okay!! ZZ AT LEAST I was certain that I would pass because I answered everything. Wth. But anyhow, going to see how I can fix it tomorrow, if I can’t, meh, it’s alright, I’ll just have to repeat it. Just feeling upset that that’s going to cost rm450 more. Like wth.

Unfair to the other People

“We won’t ever meet would we?”
“I don’t know…”
“It would be unfair to the other people.”
“What would?”
“Unfair to the other girls that want to date me but I’m dating a girl that I don’t meet.”
…
“Okay, I understand.”

Would making the other girls happy make you happy? Would it make me happy?
Are we missing the main point here?
If he doesn’t mind losing me then so be it. Keep your girls, one day I’ll meet a guy I will want. Like that guy Ken I met at Stef’s wedding that was attractive and interested enough. I should have flirted a wee bit.

Anyway, liking A; I’m learning a good lesson. To curb myself and not indulge in what I want or do or say things to my liking, as I please, to achieve what I want.

Foolish.

What I Want

I don’t think he’s what I want.

I want someone who will love me more than he loves himself. That helpless love. Where he can’t help it. I want someone who will try hard to please me, to make me smile, make me happy. I want someone who needs me. He tells me because of Chi he can only now only love with 50% of his heart. The rest is hardened. That’s understandable.

But it’s sad isn’t it? The love that I want, he cannot give.

That is another reason why I must stop now, why I should stop having feelings for him, because, somewhere down the road, it wouldn’t be understandable to me anymore. I would want more, and would try my best to get it but, as we all know, no matter how much you try, sometimes you just don’t get it. Like my first bf. If I knew my first bf didn’t really love me the way I thought he did, I probably wouldn’t put in so much of myself into that relationship.

—–

They didn’t get the butter, now I cannot make 4 batches of cookies

Pork, Carrots and Gravy

Well, I tried to control my feelings and couldn’t.
So, I guess I’m just going to let it slowly fade away.

I’m at KL now, met up with a friend the other day. I took his car plate number down at first because I didn’t trust him, and sent it to Stef, so that she could call the cops if I didn’t report back to her. Note to self: No more meeting people unless I’m driving myself. Seriously, I don’t think I should be so trusting of people. I mean, one of these days I’m going to meet some psycho and then, my life shall end. I would be murdered.

—–

I asked, “Where’s my kiss?” and I was talking about a peck on a cheek yeh, but what’s so cute is that he went on talking about no kisses for me, unless no one was around and there’s candles and it sounded good, until he talked about beef and it was just so cute. No no, he was talking about pork, carrots and gravy. and garlic bread. AHAHA. Sorry, I had to laugh and joke about the garlic bread.

—

So today my family and I went grocery shopping, and we got the ingredients to get our cookies a-baking! My nephew & niece are very excited!

I never baked a cake before…
Does my not being able to cook or bake a cake lower my marketability? : ( Sad…
It’s ok, have heart, it’s easy. Can just get a guy who can cook, I have no qualms about doing the dishes. Besides, my loving raw salmon should be a plus point! Ahuaheuhue. Actually, it’s not. I just like to think it is. It is a useless faux brownie point.