:D

I'm feeling scared. I'm feeling scared of the unknown.

But I know that the decision that I made is right.

Instead of 6 months, it's suddenly here. Around the corner. Because of circumstances.
But when it comes down to it, it is my choice. I just think that I'm very nervous about it that's all.

This is to my best friend Steffie. Things will never change between us no matter how far we travel down the path of our own destiny. I can promise you that. Because to me, you've become an important person. You have become family. I love you and heartily thank God that he sent me you in my teenage years because you helped me discover myself, and form my character when I was fragile. Who I am now, is a mix of you and myself. And I'm proud and happy to say, a part of yourself is also influenced by me.

I am glad that despite our little differences, we have no trouble communicating. I would say ,"The sky..." and you'd say, '"is blue..." I love the times when we'd both go silly and laugh like shit over things we'd both say, or things I'd say or things that you'd say. And I know, I just know that when we're in our 40's, we'd still remain the same. Because I'm not planning on changing. Unless you are >_>

Doing what I'm about to do, takes a lot of courage, at least from me, at this present moment. This is bigger than me, and I shall put it in God's hands. I'm not being negative about it. I'm ready, just overwhelmed. After seeing Aunty Rumba tonight for dinner, and asking her to pray for me and... My heart was a pounding and here I am...

Plans, plans and more plans...

Ages since I posted. It's odd how so many things have happened in this short span of time.

As for Peter, I think it would be wise to just let it be. If he's not asking for a definite answer, well, the lack of contact for such a long time would suffice, don't you think? Plus, sometimes, people just don't want to hear it. They just don't want to know. I kept thinking I should end it officially and bla bla, but it's only because I'm that kinda person.

I have been working as a promoter for a month. My job is easy. All I have to do is sit around and tell people about the promotion. Tomorrow is the last day! Yayness! I've learnt quite a bit at this job. Bit of exposure. How to deal with morons that you see everyday, nicely.

I met a guy there though. At workplace. He/A bunch of partners, offered me a job as an admin assistant. I'm still perplexed about it since it seemed almost too easy. Getting a job I mean. At least this will be office work. :) Hope it will turn out okay. They... build buildings. Developer's company I think. His name is Fuad and he is 12 years older than me. Has been abroad since 9 years old. Malay but looks mixed. Intimidated me a bit with the easy manner of speech. And perhaps some hints. About dating. But I'm sure he's joking. But it still is o__O all the same. Lol.

I penned down a few pages of details about someone that I know for quite a bit now, few months, I think 3. I wrote it on pieces of paper because I just had to pen my thoughts down at work. I am planning something... I hope it would come true and that my life might be better because of it. I mean, life is good to me, it isn't sucky. But it could be better. At my present moment however, I am very happy. Compared to last year, yes I am a happy person at this point. I am glad, that when I am about to turn 21, the point of one's life that isn't to be forgotten, I am happy. :D

I like the sense of knowing that in 6 months time, things won't just be the same. There will be new things to be learnt, new experiences and new adventures. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have a plan. And that anticipation of making it work, the knowledge of knowing that it would or should go according to it with time, just makes you look forward to each new day.

So many feelings. Fear, uncertainty, disbelief, bliss, fluttery heart hiccups, worry, anticipation but no sadness.
And I think that's good news.

P/s: Is it not unthinkable when someone would be okay with not dating for 3 years just to help another person? Admirable nobility, in my opinion...

Looking for a new job

A little update.

I got terminated last month. Maybe it was because of the leaves. Can't help being sick.
Or maybe it was the downsizing they wanted to make. Under developer's orders. Since the title hasn't been issued the management corporation has no say.

However, they'd have to deal with 7 days without familiar hands at their site because my colleague applied for leave. Good luck with that, kind sirs.

As for me, I'm not too bothered. Just can't wait to get my car license. Get the dough rolling. Let me inch slowly towards my goal.


SIGH I WANT DOUGH PLEASE.

Abandoned Fetus

Yesterday, I was at work.
The guards discovered a baby. They saw a woman burying something before dawn, and went to examine and dug it up, and it was a fetus. 3 to 4 months old. You hear about these sorta cases often, but when it hits so close to home, it feels so real.

I wonder how does one have a homemade abortion. I saw a picture of it. It was gruesome. As how they often are, but this is real. It's just there. It just happened.

---

Today one of the cleaners went back to her village. I heard she is going to remarry for the 2nd time. She is 50 I think. Sugoi...

She likes to scold a lot. She is loud. I am kinda amazed really that someone would marry her ... she seems so scary. But now I feel relieved. If she can get married, then I probably can too...

1. She is 50.
2. She is scary attitude wise. She's daring. If the residents leave their rubbish bags outside their apartment doors, she'll be knocking and shouting her head off, hollering for them to dispose of it properly.

My heroine *____*

Long Long Time...

Hello, it's been some time...

Ohisashiburi ne...? :)

I have not written for a very very long time.
Perhaps I shall start blogging again. I cannot take holding it in not letting anybody know how I feel anymore.

I recently starting working, my first full time job. In Property Management. I don't like how they hound the staffs. Checking if they're late for work and such. I don't know. It makes me feel so hounded I guess. It's ok if the pay was high but ok, the pay isn't that high. And these people don't know how to relax. It's not like the corporation is even big enough to be called a corporation. But what defines a corporation? I forgot.

I just can't wait to get a driving license so that I can get other jobs with higher pay, at least enough for me to make a better future for myself. I don't know what I'll do, but I think I'll save and study and work at the same time.

This job however, opens my eyes I guess. Learnt quite a few things. How to interact with people. It is also quite amusing. Like some people can be really stingy. Also how to deal with angry people. There was a guy who said he wanted to sue us too. O. Kay.

But there's this one guy I cannot help laughing at. His name is James. He wouldn't leave a contact number. He told me that he lives on the 3rd floor and he can see the opposite block. First floor. Lights on, no curtains. Saw a girl doing it with guys >__> and even asked me if they are doing 'business.'I didn't know how to answer him. >___> Quite awkward.

But I should think that if I plan to stop, I should at least do it if I am three months into it. And who knows maybe I can tell myself, maybe 6 months.
Lol. Maybe.

I guess that's all in my life.
Oh yes, I have wanted to mention that I was with a guy for a bit... I nearly posted about him but in the end I didn't.

He is busy with his thesis but I have already made up my mind that him and I cannot continue in this relationship. It ended quite sometime ago... sometime in June? May?

But yea, we didn't really really end it. We only said, maybe we might get back together. Or rather I think I said that. He might not like me a lot, I don't know, but I would still think it's still bad news. And bad news shouldn't be told when one is doing something as important as a thesis. So I will wait until he finishes it to tell him that we are still very good friends. I mean at least make it clear... =/

So yes, I am typing this while waiting for '1 litre of tears' to load. It's a nice drama that loli introduced to me. I like singing songs recently. So maybe... maybe I'll just record myself and post it here since nobody comes anyway lol. But it'll be a small little project for myself to do.



I wonder how people I knew are doing. Charm... Klang kaki... people that I don't contact with...

Iwonder how peter is doing, how mark is doing... how joyce is doing...
I hope they are alive and well... Read back my old posts... felt emo lol. Baka ne?

I wonder what defines me...

P/s: At least I look forward to travelling... in the future Imean. I made a few friends from around the world. The ones with which I have a pact... to meet them someday and to spend some time in their country and vice versa. :)Hope it'll come true. If you believe it, it might come true...

Happy Chinese New Year

I think it was 2 weeks or so ago. I unblocked him and we chatted for a bit.

Me: How's Joyce?
Him: She's fine. Emailling as usual. I'm not replying her though.
Me: Did she say anything unusual lately?
Him: No. Oh, wait, yea she did.

(Then he copies and pastes what she wrote. Something about me calling. But I forgot what exactly she wrote.)

I was peeved at what she wrote. So I said firstly, I didn't call her. She did first. I called back later. Secondly, Nevermind that, I forgot what I wrote.

So, to cut the story short, I told him in the end because he prompted me to. He said because we knew each other so well, certainly I'd be so kind as to not keep him in the dark. I was relunctant to though, but oh well.

He made me call her though. So I did. And it turns out she didn't pick up. So I told him I'll try again later. Which I did, because she messaged me a while after that. So I made that call with him at the end of the line, and recorded myself too. On loudspeaker.

He said, "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. THAT'S JOYCE!!!!'

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. A freaky fact of the day. Why would anyone, an auntie, pretend to be someone so much younger? And be so real at it too. So very real.

I was laughing with disbelief. All that drama and all that trouble just because of an auntie.

-----

Happy Chinese New Year!!! I went back and well, I had such sumptuous dinners... for 3 nights... it's a bit too lavish when I'm having it continously. I've got a crack on my lip =__= I wonder if it's because of that.

I met my 9th auntie. She thought I was my niece. Either it means I look like a little girl of 6, or ... @@

I wish I had a dream. I wish I had a goal to accomplish. Sometimes feeling so stagnant makes me feel as if I'm wasting time. But who knows I will find something that's worthwhile at the end of my journey. ;) Hope so.

My nephew has a PSP. And it's annoying because he's so selfish with it T.T I am cross. That little bugger ain't no getting any help with the downloads of his games. Hmph. I'm serious! Because he's so rude. I am affronted. Roar. I'll help his sister, but not him. Selfish bloke.

Joyce is a Sham. At least that's what I think.

It is best to keep unhappy things to oneself. After a week of contemplation, I have decided to remain discreet about something that has kept my wheels of thought reeling. To of course, someone who would be most affected by it.

Though I shall not disclose this particular information to the person it would be most suitably directed to, upon the excuse 'He wouldn't believe me anyway', I cannot help but feel I need to heave it off my chest.

As you might not know, my life of the past year has been filled with gaps and blank puzzle pieces. Missing quite a number renders the picture unfanthomable. The answer never seems to come to pass. The long periods of waiting for something to come around the bend seems to never come to pass.

Yes he has made a great deal of commotion and drama in my life and I cherished the good times but I am glad I am over the bad times. More often than not, the bad things always tend to stick to the particles of your memories.

One of his suspicions was that his ex, Joyce, is an Auntie. I have not believed him a single bit. Because the idea was just too outrageous. Imagine being with someone who turns out to be a sham. Suddenly you didn't know what to believe anymore. I know he tells me this yet he hopes for something inside of him. 'That it is not true'.

And well, who am I to pop his bubble.

So yes I have not believed him a single bit. Until...

Seven days ago, on the 12th of January, someone called me on the phone. It was Joyce. With her nickname. Spe(xxx). XXX means it has been crossed out. As you can see, I have not gotten over the paranoia that someone will discover me in writing. Someone as aforementioned. The lady who is in every way vibrant in virtue.

I was astonished. I walked to the kitchen to get away from the commotion (a party). Not daring to breathe, I listened. I heard voices in the background. A woman talking to a man though unclear. This continued for 1 min and 44 seconds. I said hello. No answer. I ended the call. I called back. Nobody picked up.

Minutes later, she called back.

We talked.

Her: Who is this? You called me just now.
Me: Oh no you called me first. Was there something that you want?
Her: No, I didn't call you. (Though she obviously did).
Me: Perhaps it was a wrong number.
Her: Oh, okay then.
Me: Goodbye.
Her: Bye.

I hung up and was lost in my thoughts for a bit. I thought, 'Her voice sounded awfully familiar'.
It sounded like the recording of Joyce's voice. Only, less... refined. Less careful. More aunt-ish manner of speaking. In the recording she chose her words with great care. In the call she carelessly threw it around in an Ah Liang manner. In fact she sounded a bit annoyed. But in the recording it was loving. If only I could get her to speak to me lovingly... XD

I called her back the second time, under the pretense of double checking.

Me: Hello, maybe you called to look for my mother?
Her: (I couldn't really hear what she said, sometimes she talked in Chinese, sometimes English; since the recording was in English I tried to get her talking in English as much as possible) No, no I didn't.
Me: Are you sure? Because my mother's name is (censored for privacy). Are you sure you aren't looking for her?
Her: Yes, I didn't call this number.
Me: Oh, very well then, goodbye.

When I hung up, I was disturbedly positive, that the lady I just spoke to was Joyce. Else I fervently pray that perhaps both Joyce and Auntie sound the same.

She texted me after that.

'I am Mrs Lim from Kelantan. What is your mother's name? Your number was unnamed in my directory so I thought there must be a reason why it's there, so I thought I knew you. Maybe I know your mother.'

I remember very well why my number was in her directory. Because I sent a wrong msg to her particular number. And what sort of weird people have the uncanny knack of saving numbers of wrong msgs in their phone? I do not for one.

Me: 'Her name is Florence Lai*. My name is Samantha Lai* (Changed to protect my own privacy XD and to avoid detection. I do not know why she is calling me but I do not like it one bit. It makes me uneasy.) If you do not know her then it must be a wrong number.

Her reply: I know something-Lai, something-Lai, something-Lai but I do not know who Florence Lai is. Nevertheless, I will keep this number just in case it is someone I know. Nice to meet you. Goodnight.

Me: Like I said it is most probably a wrong number. Bye.

------


So yes, after that day I have been waiting for him to come online so that I can unblock him to tell him this uncanny news. But after a week and some reflection upon the subject, I come to the conclusion it is best to keep unhappy things to oneself. Particularly when I have nothing to prove and I wish not to come into argument just because of my opinions. It is one thing to have an opinion, and quite another to force it on someone who is least wanting to hear of it. Particularly when it brings that person no good. I am afraid it might burst his bubble and he shall be of want. Of her sturdy, motherly fountain.

So in short, he wouldn't believe me anyway. Why should I tell him? It is for me to know.

But yes, I am, undeniably, inclined to believe that Mrs. Lim is Joyce.

The End.

-------

Well, okay not quite the end. A few days ago, I called a childhood friend of mine. Kate.

I found out M cheated on me with her last year. It was hard to deal with when I had tried to keep the friendship between Kate and I going. The reason why I remembered was probably because it was my birthday. And also his birthday. The irony.

Without having to speak, you should know that I was dreadfully hurt, and upset, and angry. Very angry. I was fuming mad. Until she changed her number and continued her rendezvous with him, saying how lucky it is that she has evaded me and so to speak, 'Thank God she doesn't know. I was so scared when she found out.'

Well, I have only one wish that time. That is he does not hide it from me and break it off with me first. Reading that I felt like the third party being in a place where she doesn't belong.

So back to the point. I called her and sorted things out with her. Told her it was okay to continue doing whatever she wanted with M because I got over him. She breezily told me that there's nothing between them both and says she's got no feelings for him and he doesn't have feelings for her. Well, she too, had breezily told me this back then. *shrug* It is none of my concern anymore I suppose. I am just glad that I have ended the feeling of dislike and again return to my old self. Life is great without someone that brings you down because of dislike. She told me she was glad and that was sorry for the things she had done. This was of course, after my own apology of saying harsh words to her.

I admit. I called her a bitch. She was being bitchy after all. ^^;

Well, she was a friend who gave me those beautiful lily bulbs when I was young after all. Flowers that I truly cherished and looked after, which gave me many full blooms. So then, she shall remain an acquaintance.

It is better to have distance when you've tasted the sharp end of a person's dark persona.