Abandoned Fetus

Yesterday, I was at work.
The guards discovered a baby. They saw a woman burying something before dawn, and went to examine and dug it up, and it was a fetus. 3 to 4 months old. You hear about these sorta cases often, but when it hits so close to home, it feels so real.

I wonder how does one have a homemade abortion. I saw a picture of it. It was gruesome. As how they often are, but this is real. It's just there. It just happened.

---

Today one of the cleaners went back to her village. I heard she is going to remarry for the 2nd time. She is 50 I think. Sugoi...

She likes to scold a lot. She is loud. I am kinda amazed really that someone would marry her ... she seems so scary. But now I feel relieved. If she can get married, then I probably can too...

1. She is 50.
2. She is scary attitude wise. She's daring. If the residents leave their rubbish bags outside their apartment doors, she'll be knocking and shouting her head off, hollering for them to dispose of it properly.

My heroine *____*

Long Long Time...

Hello, it's been some time...

Ohisashiburi ne...? :)

I have not written for a very very long time.
Perhaps I shall start blogging again. I cannot take holding it in not letting anybody know how I feel anymore.

I recently starting working, my first full time job. In Property Management. I don't like how they hound the staffs. Checking if they're late for work and such. I don't know. It makes me feel so hounded I guess. It's ok if the pay was high but ok, the pay isn't that high. And these people don't know how to relax. It's not like the corporation is even big enough to be called a corporation. But what defines a corporation? I forgot.

I just can't wait to get a driving license so that I can get other jobs with higher pay, at least enough for me to make a better future for myself. I don't know what I'll do, but I think I'll save and study and work at the same time.

This job however, opens my eyes I guess. Learnt quite a few things. How to interact with people. It is also quite amusing. Like some people can be really stingy. Also how to deal with angry people. There was a guy who said he wanted to sue us too. O. Kay.

But there's this one guy I cannot help laughing at. His name is James. He wouldn't leave a contact number. He told me that he lives on the 3rd floor and he can see the opposite block. First floor. Lights on, no curtains. Saw a girl doing it with guys >__> and even asked me if they are doing 'business.'I didn't know how to answer him. >___> Quite awkward.

But I should think that if I plan to stop, I should at least do it if I am three months into it. And who knows maybe I can tell myself, maybe 6 months.
Lol. Maybe.

I guess that's all in my life.
Oh yes, I have wanted to mention that I was with a guy for a bit... I nearly posted about him but in the end I didn't.

He is busy with his thesis but I have already made up my mind that him and I cannot continue in this relationship. It ended quite sometime ago... sometime in June? May?

But yea, we didn't really really end it. We only said, maybe we might get back together. Or rather I think I said that. He might not like me a lot, I don't know, but I would still think it's still bad news. And bad news shouldn't be told when one is doing something as important as a thesis. So I will wait until he finishes it to tell him that we are still very good friends. I mean at least make it clear... =/

So yes, I am typing this while waiting for '1 litre of tears' to load. It's a nice drama that loli introduced to me. I like singing songs recently. So maybe... maybe I'll just record myself and post it here since nobody comes anyway lol. But it'll be a small little project for myself to do.



I wonder how people I knew are doing. Charm... Klang kaki... people that I don't contact with...

Iwonder how peter is doing, how mark is doing... how joyce is doing...
I hope they are alive and well... Read back my old posts... felt emo lol. Baka ne?

I wonder what defines me...

P/s: At least I look forward to travelling... in the future Imean. I made a few friends from around the world. The ones with which I have a pact... to meet them someday and to spend some time in their country and vice versa. :)Hope it'll come true. If you believe it, it might come true...

Happy Chinese New Year

I think it was 2 weeks or so ago. I unblocked him and we chatted for a bit.

Me: How's Joyce?
Him: She's fine. Emailling as usual. I'm not replying her though.
Me: Did she say anything unusual lately?
Him: No. Oh, wait, yea she did.

(Then he copies and pastes what she wrote. Something about me calling. But I forgot what exactly she wrote.)

I was peeved at what she wrote. So I said firstly, I didn't call her. She did first. I called back later. Secondly, Nevermind that, I forgot what I wrote.

So, to cut the story short, I told him in the end because he prompted me to. He said because we knew each other so well, certainly I'd be so kind as to not keep him in the dark. I was relunctant to though, but oh well.

He made me call her though. So I did. And it turns out she didn't pick up. So I told him I'll try again later. Which I did, because she messaged me a while after that. So I made that call with him at the end of the line, and recorded myself too. On loudspeaker.

He said, "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. THAT'S JOYCE!!!!'

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. A freaky fact of the day. Why would anyone, an auntie, pretend to be someone so much younger? And be so real at it too. So very real.

I was laughing with disbelief. All that drama and all that trouble just because of an auntie.

-----

Happy Chinese New Year!!! I went back and well, I had such sumptuous dinners... for 3 nights... it's a bit too lavish when I'm having it continously. I've got a crack on my lip =__= I wonder if it's because of that.

I met my 9th auntie. She thought I was my niece. Either it means I look like a little girl of 6, or ... @@

I wish I had a dream. I wish I had a goal to accomplish. Sometimes feeling so stagnant makes me feel as if I'm wasting time. But who knows I will find something that's worthwhile at the end of my journey. ;) Hope so.

My nephew has a PSP. And it's annoying because he's so selfish with it T.T I am cross. That little bugger ain't no getting any help with the downloads of his games. Hmph. I'm serious! Because he's so rude. I am affronted. Roar. I'll help his sister, but not him. Selfish bloke.

Joyce is a Sham. At least that's what I think.

It is best to keep unhappy things to oneself. After a week of contemplation, I have decided to remain discreet about something that has kept my wheels of thought reeling. To of course, someone who would be most affected by it.

Though I shall not disclose this particular information to the person it would be most suitably directed to, upon the excuse 'He wouldn't believe me anyway', I cannot help but feel I need to heave it off my chest.

As you might not know, my life of the past year has been filled with gaps and blank puzzle pieces. Missing quite a number renders the picture unfanthomable. The answer never seems to come to pass. The long periods of waiting for something to come around the bend seems to never come to pass.

Yes he has made a great deal of commotion and drama in my life and I cherished the good times but I am glad I am over the bad times. More often than not, the bad things always tend to stick to the particles of your memories.

One of his suspicions was that his ex, Joyce, is an Auntie. I have not believed him a single bit. Because the idea was just too outrageous. Imagine being with someone who turns out to be a sham. Suddenly you didn't know what to believe anymore. I know he tells me this yet he hopes for something inside of him. 'That it is not true'.

And well, who am I to pop his bubble.

So yes I have not believed him a single bit. Until...

Seven days ago, on the 12th of January, someone called me on the phone. It was Joyce. With her nickname. Spe(xxx). XXX means it has been crossed out. As you can see, I have not gotten over the paranoia that someone will discover me in writing. Someone as aforementioned. The lady who is in every way vibrant in virtue.

I was astonished. I walked to the kitchen to get away from the commotion (a party). Not daring to breathe, I listened. I heard voices in the background. A woman talking to a man though unclear. This continued for 1 min and 44 seconds. I said hello. No answer. I ended the call. I called back. Nobody picked up.

Minutes later, she called back.

We talked.

Her: Who is this? You called me just now.
Me: Oh no you called me first. Was there something that you want?
Her: No, I didn't call you. (Though she obviously did).
Me: Perhaps it was a wrong number.
Her: Oh, okay then.
Me: Goodbye.
Her: Bye.

I hung up and was lost in my thoughts for a bit. I thought, 'Her voice sounded awfully familiar'.
It sounded like the recording of Joyce's voice. Only, less... refined. Less careful. More aunt-ish manner of speaking. In the recording she chose her words with great care. In the call she carelessly threw it around in an Ah Liang manner. In fact she sounded a bit annoyed. But in the recording it was loving. If only I could get her to speak to me lovingly... XD

I called her back the second time, under the pretense of double checking.

Me: Hello, maybe you called to look for my mother?
Her: (I couldn't really hear what she said, sometimes she talked in Chinese, sometimes English; since the recording was in English I tried to get her talking in English as much as possible) No, no I didn't.
Me: Are you sure? Because my mother's name is (censored for privacy). Are you sure you aren't looking for her?
Her: Yes, I didn't call this number.
Me: Oh, very well then, goodbye.

When I hung up, I was disturbedly positive, that the lady I just spoke to was Joyce. Else I fervently pray that perhaps both Joyce and Auntie sound the same.

She texted me after that.

'I am Mrs Lim from Kelantan. What is your mother's name? Your number was unnamed in my directory so I thought there must be a reason why it's there, so I thought I knew you. Maybe I know your mother.'

I remember very well why my number was in her directory. Because I sent a wrong msg to her particular number. And what sort of weird people have the uncanny knack of saving numbers of wrong msgs in their phone? I do not for one.

Me: 'Her name is Florence Lai*. My name is Samantha Lai* (Changed to protect my own privacy XD and to avoid detection. I do not know why she is calling me but I do not like it one bit. It makes me uneasy.) If you do not know her then it must be a wrong number.

Her reply: I know something-Lai, something-Lai, something-Lai but I do not know who Florence Lai is. Nevertheless, I will keep this number just in case it is someone I know. Nice to meet you. Goodnight.

Me: Like I said it is most probably a wrong number. Bye.

------


So yes, after that day I have been waiting for him to come online so that I can unblock him to tell him this uncanny news. But after a week and some reflection upon the subject, I come to the conclusion it is best to keep unhappy things to oneself. Particularly when I have nothing to prove and I wish not to come into argument just because of my opinions. It is one thing to have an opinion, and quite another to force it on someone who is least wanting to hear of it. Particularly when it brings that person no good. I am afraid it might burst his bubble and he shall be of want. Of her sturdy, motherly fountain.

So in short, he wouldn't believe me anyway. Why should I tell him? It is for me to know.

But yes, I am, undeniably, inclined to believe that Mrs. Lim is Joyce.

The End.

-------

Well, okay not quite the end. A few days ago, I called a childhood friend of mine. Kate.

I found out M cheated on me with her last year. It was hard to deal with when I had tried to keep the friendship between Kate and I going. The reason why I remembered was probably because it was my birthday. And also his birthday. The irony.

Without having to speak, you should know that I was dreadfully hurt, and upset, and angry. Very angry. I was fuming mad. Until she changed her number and continued her rendezvous with him, saying how lucky it is that she has evaded me and so to speak, 'Thank God she doesn't know. I was so scared when she found out.'

Well, I have only one wish that time. That is he does not hide it from me and break it off with me first. Reading that I felt like the third party being in a place where she doesn't belong.

So back to the point. I called her and sorted things out with her. Told her it was okay to continue doing whatever she wanted with M because I got over him. She breezily told me that there's nothing between them both and says she's got no feelings for him and he doesn't have feelings for her. Well, she too, had breezily told me this back then. *shrug* It is none of my concern anymore I suppose. I am just glad that I have ended the feeling of dislike and again return to my old self. Life is great without someone that brings you down because of dislike. She told me she was glad and that was sorry for the things she had done. This was of course, after my own apology of saying harsh words to her.

I admit. I called her a bitch. She was being bitchy after all. ^^;

Well, she was a friend who gave me those beautiful lily bulbs when I was young after all. Flowers that I truly cherished and looked after, which gave me many full blooms. So then, she shall remain an acquaintance.

It is better to have distance when you've tasted the sharp end of a person's dark persona.

Penang Trip

Well well, suffice to say it has been a great week!

On a side note. Things that I didn't post the last post.

I am not Cheap!
Just because I held hands with a guy that I know very well, at least he's more real to me than you are so don't you dare judge me!
Just because something you say would rub off your ego, you don't always have to say it. *scoff*
I have always wondered whether you were always this immature. I thought that perhaps we could continue just as friends, but Nooo something in you just have to spoil it. Grow up please.

-----



I have refrained from posting anything about him because he told me not to. Which was strange for me. Because not that I thought my words would have any impact on anyone. So someone already knew the game on Christmas. Just because of a small little gesture. So since the cat is out of the bag, there isn't much of fun poking and teasing anymore. ._.

But life is short and ever changing, we might not be able to celebrate next Christmas together, you'll never know. But then again, you'll never know if one is destined to be with you. After the movie Amelie, that I watched, it's so different. Magical in a sense. Like relationships are dropped from the vast skies in shapes of crystalline stars. One each for every outstretched hand, waiting for Destiny to drop a crystal into it.

So before I forget, I had better write about my trip to Penang.

28th December
Early morning, I didn't sleep for fear I wouldn't wake up. Actually I didn't sleep because I was playing games. So yes I packed and waited for YT. Felt fresh for some reason. Went out to the tree in front of the house to sit, something I've not done before. Especially in the mornings. Saw a man doing his daily excercise. Saw him do taichi and funny movements. Felt amused. Steph came by and sat next to me and told me about Mr.30plus-but-doing-taichi-exercises.
Waited an hour, was on the verge of being toppled over by Pique when Sam, Hannah's guy arrived. It is the first time I am meeting him.

A whiff of donuts greeted me and their cheery voices of course. First time observing Hannah and Sam. Felt awkward at first. The trip up was long. But not too long. Steph said I snored. ._. I KNEW I DID. aaaah. Yes, I have 3 kinds of snores ladies and gentlemen.

When we reached we were mighty hungry and we went and had Penang Fried Kuey Tiao but with Duck Eggs. Alas, I tasted nothing special about it. YT said it wasn't that nice either. ._. Then we went and walked around in search of something nice to eat, and we ended up at this restaurant that well, isn't *that* nice either, but I liked the dumplings there. Yummy.

Then the next morning, we had breakfast at the hotel. The miso soup was sour ._. But I drank it all the same. I could say the nicest thing there that morning was the cereal and the chicken sausages.

After that I was stuffed. And we waited for Joanne, YT's friend to come and bring us around. Joanne has shoulder length straight hair and I took a liking to her immediately after I got in the car. We went for the famous curry mee. Mind you, I had a shock when I discovered that they put blood into soup. To thicken it. Or something. Pig's blood, or chicken I'm not sure. But @@ Ugh!!

So I stressed no blood.

No. Blood.

It tasted slightly different. But I liked it. YUM!
After that was cendol.

AND OH! The first thing you wonder about Penang is;

Why are all the streeets One Way?

The answer came when I tried crossing the road.
Answer: If it were 2 ways, I'd probably die.

The roads are crazy! Cars just squeeze in any space they could find. And I had to hold Steph's hand each time I cross the road. *shudder* And the sun... oh the oh-so-very-hot-sun...

Actually the sun is hot everywhere, just that we don't have to walk that much when in our own residency. So yea. I had my umbrella. Blue with winnie the pooh patterns. And it broke. And I still had to use it even though it was broken. Quite embarrassing but hey I'd rather be embarrassed than grilled. =D

So back to the Cendol. There are lots and lots of people at the cendol shop. Like really, there's a crowd even standing outside the shop scooping their cendols into their mouths. I am personally not a fan of cendol but I like that cendol! @@ It was milky and yummy. And the ice melts down into your throat. Trickle. Aaaaah I'm like a satisfied kitty.

Ah and I think I have a new favourite drink. Barley sengkam ice. Barley with a tangy taste. Ooh!

Then we went to Queensbay Mall and the sun was hot. The palm tree wasn't covering us sufficiently so I had to run to a nearby shade which was a bus. High school students were getting off the bus and they gave me looks and I gave them looks.

In the end I couldn't take their looks, (many against one you know) and I trudged back to YT and Steph. Palm tree. I loitered around for an hour or so while they had their Thai massage. I don't think I'd fancy a massage. *gulp*

By the time Joanne came to pick us up, I was so drop dead tired. My backbone was aching. I slept in the car. I was exhausted. We were at Tambun when I woke up. And we had such a nice nice nice nice nice dinner. It was so fulfilling and oh I loved the fish! It was tangy too.

I think I certainly shocked Sam who didn't know about my eating capabilities. =D
The vegetable was so spicy I couldn't finish the bit I took. *cough* shove it unto *cough* the plate *cough cough* nobody saw it XD

Sam burped a lot.

A Lot.

So yea, the next day was church and I felt a bit sleepy in church. I always do. But at least I was conscious enough to hear him talking about termites. The worker termites actually die because when the queen died, they didn't have a purpose to live. They lived for their queen. How noble.

Then Sam was doing a fishing action, and I couldn't stand him being peevish. I mean he was cheeky but I always gave him that F3 look and just ignored him, but I smacked him on the shoulder when he did that. =__=

Cheeky.
Fella.

Then we met Joanne's church members, and Oh dear... I forgot her name, but she reminded me of Charmaine. I had a nice time talking to her. Then, we went back home. And that's about it.

Well, I was at YT's friend's house. Kazzy. I like Kazzy too. And her kitties. I like Invader. He's a Casanova Cat. Miao~

Well Happy New Year folks!

CG.

I've always wanted to write but I just didn't get around to it.

Firstly, I had a really really nice girl talk with Steph, YT and Hannah, at a Jap Restaurant. It wasn't a planned thing. More like an impromptu talk. So yea, I was stressed with exams back then, so it was really quite relieving to just gather and lament about things that are causing stress.

And we had our good laughs and everything just seemed much better. Of course their situations are worse than mine then. They were just over their limits. I'm glad we managed to let a bit of our stress out that day. It's really been so long since I had loads of fun having girl talk.

Recently I've been helping out Steph with her Fishbone program at her tuition centre. And I think I've just about found my new path of interest? Teaching. I've always put it away from my mind because I just shut out the idea. Because mom was a teacher. So if Accounts does not work out for me, I'd be taking up an English diploma. To teach foreign students or something.

The kids at the centre were fun. They were shy at first, but after that they gradually opened up and even laughed. Whether with or at me, I'm really not quite sure. It was a shy smile at first, but oh ho. I couldn't squeeze much talk out of the shy ones but I kept prodding. I think I like Mian Ying. She's sweet in her own way. Well, alright =/ She looks sweet. And her writing is the best out of the rest so far. But Suet gives me funny quirky ideas too.

As for marking their passages, I'm not sure how to mark... And I'm not even sure if my grammar is right. =/
But I tried my best and I had my fun. =)


But firstly, I just *have* to say... EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D

Yt told us that she got a job as a travelling writer. I am glad for her but I am also sad because she's leaving us, or at least won't be with us for quite as much anymore. I look to her as a peer and I've never thought of her as being in the other generation. We just remarked about how odd it is. And a friend of mine also told me today that she has a BF (Best Friend) that isn't very trustworthy at all. I shudder to think that I would have a best friend like that. A friend I can't trust with my BoyF because she'll be jealous and basically wanting him for herself? That's scary. =(

And I've also found out about a friend. Sadly, that friend isn't being very truthful. It pains me because the actions of this friend is causing another friend of mine pain. Actually, would cause pain if that friend found out that is. But I cannot help but feel angry and sad for that particular friend of mine. Why don't people be true to themselves and do the things that show them true but instead well... not? I just simply cannot imagine how one keeps things from another even when they've associated with each other for a long time.

._.

Well that's it for today.

It was nearly two months since I posted something. Shall I tell you about what happened to me for these 2 months or rather my feelings now?

I think, now.

I found out exam was next week. Bit of a shock for me because I thought I'd have more time to study. So here I am trying to calm myself through writing. I've refrained from writing for so long because there's just something vulnerable about writing how you felt. And I'd like to keep to myself for a bit.

But really, I was shocked I could numbly look at my books and papers in class. Class starts at 10 but I'm here early. Actually class starts at 10 but I thought it was 9.

So... calm my nerves...

Okay. That's it. No more games for me, all there is now for me and next week is benkyo benkyo benkyo.

Then I have to print some, attendance docket. Not entirely sure what was that.
Then my schedule was actually in the magazine which isn't delivered to me but to my brother instead. So, really, I'm clueless about what I'm supposed to do. What I'm supposed to have.

Relax. Don't panic.

No more games. I am constantly reminded by what he said (teacher). He said cannot last minute cram such things. I cannot help feeling ... I cannot help not having a deep interest... it was partially because really I'm clueless about whatever it is they teach. They teach well, it's just my fault. I feel @@ and huh..???

I was feeling really down becauuse of an email from an acquaintance. He is gay. I told him what I thought according to my beliefs, that it was wrong but yet to me he would still be my friend. I think he wanted me to say he was right. But I'm sorry. He said unkind things and truly I felt hurt because I really did want to help him. I wasn't judging him. I was just being honest. I am sorry that we could not be friends and that our diversity has created a rift between us.

About my past one, I think I've learnt to let go. I cried the other day after such a long time. And the thing is it came just suddenly. Like a wave hitting the beach without a sound. I think it means that my wall of numbness has gone away. I mean I was laughing and such before that. But now perhaps I am strong enough to face my own conflicts.

I think it is time to control and manage my time. Time management. I ran away from reality for quite some time now. Seeking comforts at the wrong place. I mean it's not wrong. I do feel conforted but I know that I cannot hide any longer. My reprieve is over. Time to get my life back on track.

I think I'll be working with Steph soon. Might be teaching primary school students with creative writing. Not quite sure if I could do it, but I'll try =)

Okay. Toodles. Time for class.

I'm still quite shaken by the fact that exam is so near and I'm such a screw up and failure for not even preparing for it. I knew it. I seen it coming. I am quite contradictory.

Though I beat myself up inside constantly bout not studying and stuff, yet... I do nothing about it. It is something that I have brought upon myself and I shall not lament upon it. All that is left to do is to be quiet and dilligently toil myself through studies 24/7. Well alright, 18/7.

Goodbye blog. Intensive studies starts from today.