10th January 2010

It’s been nearly a month since I wrote. On the 23rd of December was my downfall. I did something I wasn’t supposed to and things have been going the wrong way since then. I’ve become more involved with A. To the point of being rejected even though i didn’t know it was that at first.

It happened again the day after I had an outburst of emotions. The day I got turned down, so to speak. It won’t happen again. I just couldn’t hold my feelings in but I have made up my mind (when I was recovering from a hangover without the headache today) that I don’t want to keep something that will make me sad around my heart.

I thought I’ve gotten so tipsy on Christmas on soju… that it was bad enough that it was the first time I drank so much that I vomitted. It was gross. 2 cups at that. Ugh.

But yesterday, topped it off. It was my birthday and I wasn’t feeling like it was anything special. I had 6 different types of alcohol, ugh. i’m staying away from drinking like how I’ve always done before this. Celebrating is not an excuse anymore because there is nothing to celebrate! Yay! so there’s Whisky, irish beer, WATERFALL (flaming thing that tastes powdery like Chinese medicine, horribly potent do not take it; the guy who gave it to me got killed by a hitman I hired), wine, vodka, champagne. All of them don’t taste too good, but that’s because I don’t like alcohol. Yesterday was bizarre as hell. We ended up staying a friend’s place. More like an acquaintance. And that person is messed up.

It was a pity because I thought he seemed adorable, as in silly adorable like a guy goofing around, having fun. Yah, goofy. Which translates to adorable, cute. But alas, he has a terrible addiction to weed, but I’m not judging. It’s just sad that people don’t realise that there just has to be more to it in life than weed, or alcohol, or partying. I mean, I’ve always thought that people realise it but, recently I just don’t know anymore. I wish that person would stop being messed up because I actually do care. But why am I not saying it to him? Because what would be the point? They think it is fun. And besides, he’s not my friend. And besides, people don’t just go around caring for strangers.

But overall, I think when I’m tipsy, I still remember things, and I hate the feeling of vomitting, and I would say out my real feelings or thoughts about things. And more importantly, I become very emo, because that would be when my real feelings would surface. Like when things bother me, I wouldn’t know it actually does bother me until well, I cry. When I cry, then I realised how much it actually bothered me.

How much this whole fiasco with A is bothering me. It bothers me that I like him more and more. My thoughts yesterday when I was looking at everybody in my tipsy haze, was that there are so many guys in front of me right now, why can I not have feelings for just any one of them?

I didn’t realise this whole thing was making me so sad inside, until well, yesterday. And today in my hangover without the headache phase; not hungry, thinking of food makes me want to heave, emo unhappy sad., I was thinking, why make myself so unhappy over this? Over a guy? If I stop having these feelings for him then I won’t be unhappy anymore.

If I am sad, it means he is not making me happy. Because if he is, I wouldn’t be feeling sad. But he can’t make me happy, because he doesn’t want it. He cannot have a commitment. Honestly, guys can’t figure out what girls are thinking. If you’d ask me, I can’t figure out what he’s thinking. He wants it but he’s afraid. Then when I take the first step, he backed off. This is the 2nd time in my life that I felt rejection. After I got rejected by the first guy I told myself I would never do something stupid like this again. I have had enough, I am washing my hands from having feelings for A.

The next time if there is going to be someone important to me, he’s going to be able to put his arms around me when I’m upset.

Oh, and I got an F for Economics n Society, like wtf. It’s like you’re telling me I failed English. I mean, I put in so much effort in this subject compared to the others. I have like a’s and a b but suddenly an F!! Like wth. 50% lecturer 50% exam, lecturer gave me 47/50. The only reason I’d get an F is that I didn’t get 25/50 for my exam but I am confident that I did okay!! ZZ AT LEAST I was certain that I would pass because I answered everything. Wth. But anyhow, going to see how I can fix it tomorrow, if I can’t, meh, it’s alright, I’ll just have to repeat it. Just feeling upset that that’s going to cost rm450 more. Like wth.

Unfair to the other People

“We won’t ever meet would we?”
“I don’t know…”
“It would be unfair to the other people.”
“What would?”
“Unfair to the other girls that want to date me but I’m dating a girl that I don’t meet.”
…
“Okay, I understand.”

Would making the other girls happy make you happy? Would it make me happy?
Are we missing the main point here?
If he doesn’t mind losing me then so be it. Keep your girls, one day I’ll meet a guy I will want. Like that guy Ken I met at Stef’s wedding that was attractive and interested enough. I should have flirted a wee bit.

Anyway, liking A; I’m learning a good lesson. To curb myself and not indulge in what I want or do or say things to my liking, as I please, to achieve what I want.

Foolish.

What I Want

I don’t think he’s what I want.

I want someone who will love me more than he loves himself. That helpless love. Where he can’t help it. I want someone who will try hard to please me, to make me smile, make me happy. I want someone who needs me. He tells me because of Chi he can only now only love with 50% of his heart. The rest is hardened. That’s understandable.

But it’s sad isn’t it? The love that I want, he cannot give.

That is another reason why I must stop now, why I should stop having feelings for him, because, somewhere down the road, it wouldn’t be understandable to me anymore. I would want more, and would try my best to get it but, as we all know, no matter how much you try, sometimes you just don’t get it. Like my first bf. If I knew my first bf didn’t really love me the way I thought he did, I probably wouldn’t put in so much of myself into that relationship.

—–

They didn’t get the butter, now I cannot make 4 batches of cookies

Pork, Carrots and Gravy

Well, I tried to control my feelings and couldn’t.
So, I guess I’m just going to let it slowly fade away.

I’m at KL now, met up with a friend the other day. I took his car plate number down at first because I didn’t trust him, and sent it to Stef, so that she could call the cops if I didn’t report back to her. Note to self: No more meeting people unless I’m driving myself. Seriously, I don’t think I should be so trusting of people. I mean, one of these days I’m going to meet some psycho and then, my life shall end. I would be murdered.

—–

I asked, “Where’s my kiss?” and I was talking about a peck on a cheek yeh, but what’s so cute is that he went on talking about no kisses for me, unless no one was around and there’s candles and it sounded good, until he talked about beef and it was just so cute. No no, he was talking about pork, carrots and gravy. and garlic bread. AHAHA. Sorry, I had to laugh and joke about the garlic bread.

—

So today my family and I went grocery shopping, and we got the ingredients to get our cookies a-baking! My nephew & niece are very excited!

I never baked a cake before…
Does my not being able to cook or bake a cake lower my marketability? : ( Sad…
It’s ok, have heart, it’s easy. Can just get a guy who can cook, I have no qualms about doing the dishes. Besides, my loving raw salmon should be a plus point! Ahuaheuhue. Actually, it’s not. I just like to think it is. It is a useless faux brownie point.

I hate you blogspot, No pasting?!

Yes you heard me right, I hate you blogspot. You don't let me paste!


*GASP*

WOW THIS IS WHAT YOU GET BLOGSPOT.

This is what you get for changing your interface! I totally didn't notice the Edit HTML function on the top. YOU SUCK. NO wonder I can't paste. and you're too late! I've switched allegience to wordpress.

Fellas, I've went through the ordeal of making a new blog because I thought I couldn't paste. Meh.
So, www.tomyamgirl.wordpress.com.

Bye now~

Realisation

Finally, the one day during exam period that I didn't wake up dreading.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hHo-qSvoMo
Kelly Clarkson - I'm already Gone 2009

This song is sorta mellow and it feels very real.

I have decided to leave. Leave the bond that I have with A.
Recently, thinking that I should begin accept that sometimes love just doesn't conquer all.
Like, the distance. I'm starting to think like him. That maybe it won't work after all... I have always kept a hope that it would.

But when the bad feelings come hitting me like a wave, I cannot remain hopeful any longer.
Funny, I used to think the next time I fall in love it would be with someone who is able to persuade me and keeps relentlessly persuading me to change my negative, pessimistic view of love. But yeah, I want someone who will do that, who believes in it and who works hard to make me believe it, who can make me feel 'YES! We can do it!'

That is why, I should try my very best to control and forget my feelings for him. Because if I don't, it will be too painful one day, too painful for me to see him leave. I am not a noble person, I'm not that big a person to make myself unhappy as long as the guy is doing what I think is best. That's why if I ever have cancer, (TOUCHWOOD) I wouldn't go without telling my partner. Some people leave without saying anything because they think it is best that the partner doesn't know. I think I am not that sort of person. I'm not strong enough. I'm the kind to lean for moral support.

Last Night, Good Night By Hatsune Miku
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha4T3ZJwxt4

I don't know what's wrong with blogger, it won't let me Copy paste thus, I cannot paste the sad lyrics here. :(

First Day of Exams!

So, today is the first day of exams for my 2nd semester in uni. That means, next sem will be my third sem! So far so good! The only subject that I utterly have no confidence in would be Pengajian Malaysia. It's like, zomg! wth!

How do you fix something that isn't there in the first place?
When you want to draw that other person closer but have no idea to go about it?
When you try to have conversation and he just doesn't seem to have anything to say to you anymore?
When you feel like you're drifting apart and nothing you seem to do is stopping that?
and you can't ask for some things because he has no obligation to do it for you.
why would he do that? You're his nobody.
And you're afraid to try harder because it might be as you have feared, he's avoiding you. or might get bored with you. or annoyed with you and that makes him want to talk to you less.

I think I shouldn't feel like this anymore. I think I should be more detached from now on and not make myself so vulnerable. Silly me! Always vulnerable.

Want to talk to me? Turn me on.
Don't want to talk to me? Turn me off.
I don't want to be convenient.
Bury it, bury it, bury it.
I have been happy for the past 9 months but now I must be wary and be accepting of the reality of how things are/will be/cycle of things.

Sony Cybershot TX1's advertisement has this really nice song. I don't know the name of the song nor the singer. :(

When the twilight sings,

It's washed away, way by the sea,

Open up your eyes,

Believe the dream.

You see how I feel,

That feeling something's just not real,

We are drifting through the stars,

Floating here to Mars,

Believe the dream.

I liked it so much that I found the chords for it unconsciously!