The Closed Chapter.

Today is the 28th.

I stopped contacting Mark on the 20th.
He said he didn't contact joyce at all but he did.
He emailed her and bla bla bla...

Lies. And then he told me he didn't.

I called him just now to confront him and it was true. He admitted that he just sent a message to congratulate her.
Hello? It's still contacting. Lies. Lies. Excuses to cover up lies.
But nevertheless still a satisfactory explanation.

Then I asked, 'Did you tell her you like her?'
"Yes'
'Did you tell her you miss her?'
'Yes'
"Did you tell her you love her?'
'Yes'
Seriously... no more I should ask. He said he thinks I'm the catalyst of why he starts liking her again after the 20th.

After I didn't want to talk to him he said.
Hah. You know what's the reason we broke up? Because he's not ready to meet. Not fcking ready to meet. How long do I have to wait? Another 2 years? Then I said you're not ready to be with me, it's like you're not even ready for a commitment!
And then he says, fine maybe I shouldn't be with you then.

Seriously, this is all crap and bullshit. Relationships are not meant to be like that.
If that's how it is, so easily fragile and broken, then it's a really shallow relationship isn't it? An immature one.

Being with him was hard because it was like constantly being overshadowed by his ex.
And he didn't help in matters much also. Before this it was hard, I had a reason to be in insecurity all the time.

When I tried not to, things would always happen.

In the end, the ashes of my tears, are really of my own foolishness. Love is a game that's never fair.
I'm just foolish enough to believe he truly loved me.
'It's not you that pains me, it's yours lies.'
He said, 'Everybody says that.'

That's when I knew, I'm just one of the other girls. Just one of them. Played. Dealt. Move-aside-I'm-Done-With-You.

And now I'm crying. My heart hurts. Heh who doesn't.
Life's like that. I'm just sorry it lasted so long. But I am a persistent person. I suppose after this I can finally leave without regrets. Perhaps it is just something that I should learn. I mean during the long time span.

Nothing is bad about Mark. He's nice. It's just quite ethereal because we didn't meet like normal people. And there's also his past with his ex. Always there. He always does love her and it was hard. And also the issue of lies to cover it up. I'm sick and tired of the lies. I think this is for the better. It definitely is. I think.

'The 2nd shall replace the 1st.'
That's what God told me. Through YT. I think it's time to really believe in God and say no should any chance arise for some sort of reconciliation.

He's nice. Just his excess baggages. Everyone has it yet really, it's exhausting to tarry on with those baggages for 2 years plus. Really... isn't it time he or she moved on already?
So, to me, it's just not gonna work if it's gonna be like this, "online', and having this constant figure undermining me. Zilch. Nada. Not gonna work.

I feel sad. It could have been something very meaningful. And it was something that took so much of my heart... and I've no idea what hopes or dreams I had put into it, but... I just feel sad that it turned out like this.

One sentence. 'I should have known.'

I should have known he's gonna be a weirdo. I mean not meeting? Immature. How many real guys out there actually have this problem? Sucks. Totally sucks.
I should have known I'm in a relationship with his ex as well.
I should have known he's prone to cheating on me too. With his ex. It was really painful to read all he wrote to her for the entire period of which we were together. I might not want to admit it, but he was still in love with her all along.

I think that's about it. Other than that, he's Mr Perfect.
Oh and his ego. He's somewhat the dominant type.

I didn't regret his faults. Perhaps it's good lesson for me that I may know how to handle hardships in relationships in the future. Once bitten twice shy mar :)
One thing I know, I think I'm a pretty good gf. I mean I'm loving. Nice and warm :(
Funny. I'm always funny. I... think.

The things that I'm not are, gentle. Submissive. Emo (?? am I emo? ; eh it's one thing being emotional when you have the cause to be emotional but it's totally another thing if you're emotional with no cause at all).

Ah... I was feeling very crummy at first. I mean I was crying and heart was pain pain and all. But hey, after blogging it seems to be A Okay again =) I mean blogging really is a sort of therapy. Or is it? I mean it's just nice venting out.

Bee and Hermit.

Today I went out. To Sungai Wang. I now have to keep reminding myself that I shall not to go out again.

It took me 2 hours to get there. 2 hours to get back. Going isn't so bad. I could sit. But coming back? Wow.
My feet are achingly exhausted. My nerves in my feet are jumping and threathening to twist themselves any minute now.

Met a friend's brother. He is 10 years old, and he is such a cute little boy. Erm. Nothing much about my friend. He's 16 and it was okay. We didn't talk much. Was kinda weird. We mapled at the cybercafe. And, that's about it.

Rushed to my bath straight out and now I'm here. Clean and cosy like a cat.

There was so much travelling. o.o
First there was the bus, then there was the train, then there was the monorail. Then the same thing all over again.

One thing I learnt about today was that, erm. Normally when you see those 'pilak' people, you'd feel like you'd wanna move to one side? To avoid body contact. Shunt. Shunt. *shudder*

But today I saw one got up from his seat and gave his seat to the lady in the bus. He didn't look very educated but there was a pang inside. I didn't look at him the way I look at others anymore. The 'eyeing' look. I always eye suspicious people. It's to say, 'Hey you, I'm watchful about you. Don't you dare do anything hanky panky.'

Well. That's about it today.
And my legs feel so smooth. I used this Hair Removal Mousse by Veet. Hmm, very nice. Feels like silk. And I'm so thirsty today. I don't know why.

Things that have been bothering me.

I read something the other day. And it brought me down for a bit tho knowing that words on it were untrue. I feel a bit sad inside for she does not know what I truly feel, what I truly am. Words I couldn't say to defend myself. What is the point really.

Pride and Prejudice. If only I had more of this things would be easier for me. It would be so easy to see others in a lowly manner and just get along with life in your happy little way. Jealousy. Have I been jealous this time around? I don't think so. Maybe hurt yes. But not jealous. Sometimes you just don't have the capacity to be jealous anymore. When you learn to give up.


My last post was a last message. If one were to read properly, it's the words of a girl who says, 'You win.'
I don't understand why she has to bloody gloat. One wouldn't have to be suspicious if not given a reason to.

The one thing that really irks me for how untrue it is, is 'no confidence, no trust, no faith in herself.'
God.

This is one thing out of all the things that I have to stand up for. I have my confidence thank you very much. I trust myself too thank you very much. Faith. Hmm, faith that I could make it work were I with another. Yesh. That too. All of that I do have in myself. What I don't have is the confidence that things will work out. Will you if one that you've been with for so long loves his ex more than you? You wouldn't be so high and mighty as to say such things like that.

I am not here to dispute any longer. Tempting tho. To post this in my old public blog. But no. Memories of disputes are left to be gone. I like this blog. It's like a new beginning. Alas, little does she know I didn't take it into my own conclusion and make a fuss. One thing I can never stand to be is a conveyer belt girlfriend.

I'm so sorry but I cannot replace someone else.


----

Speaking of something else. I have been mapling a lot. And I had this maple bf. For like 2 weeks. It was bad. He wanted it to be real life too. I couldn't. He's a nice guy. Really nice. But he has low self esteem. He doesn't understand that I can't because it's me, not him. He's not exactly that young, and so he thinks that's the factor and yadda yadda.

But yesterday I made it a point to him. That it's only in maple. He couldn't take it. I regret somewhat for not staying as friends because he's a really nice friend.


'i so want to hurt you badly.. but i also want you badly too.. goddamn you.'


This is real bad. I mean. Sudahlah I have enough crap going on, I suddenly have someone hating me. He kept saying why I wouldn't give him a chance or what. But that's not the point. I mean the point is, is that I just don't have the capacity to anymore. I mean not anymore. But just not now. And certainly not internet ones. I mean there is nothing oh so great about me. I'm just an average girl. I'm really sorry really.


------

Everytime I look at my ex's picture, I'm always reminded by the fact. The sentence that kept repeating in my head. 'I really love you Joyce. I like my ex, but I love you.' That's the killer. Everytime I look at it, I'm reminded by this fact.

But apart from all that, I know that deep down inside God has prepared someone just for me.

Confirmation.

Since I've been working at a lab, I met this guy. His name is erm, TH.

TH is slightly plump. Rounded, a boyish kind of guy. Cute perhaps.
I could feel like there were special sentiments exuding from him but I've always tried to shrug it away.

Then, my cold shoulder treatments doesn't seem to hit him. I mean it doesn't deter him from asking me questions anyway.

Innocent little questions.
At first I was warm and friendly but I have no idea why I started inching away. I mean. I didn't want that kind of attention. I mean, I've always tried to deny that he would prolly have any feelings for me.
I guess I didn't want to erm, make things erm bad for him.

But I would always get irritated when he talked to me. Bad. But I got irritated.

Cos I just wanted him to stop.
So anyways.

Today my colleague talked about him again. Then I told him, 'I don't think TH likes me.'
Then he said, 'Hahaha he does! He really does. I'm serious. He has a bit of feeling for you.'

Well. OOookay. I can't deny it no more. My intuition has been blaring loudly since... since ever.
So I thought about it. And I said, 'But I don't have any feelings for him.'

Hoping that above said words would reach him somehow.
So please. Above-words, please reach TH.

I guess sometimes things like these freak me. I mean it's a different thing if I knew you very well and then I realised from a third party or something that you have some kind of feelings towards me. But nooooo I barely even know you. I mean I don't even talk to you. That's the thing you know.

I guess, (based on analysing my past erm, freakedoutness) that's prolly why. I mean cause the guys that I'm freaked out at, doesn't even know me. I mean I don't even talk to them much. Yeah. I guess that's why. Else I'd find it easy to erm, put them down gently or somewhat.

Hmm. Meow. That's it for today.

Hmm, today I didn't sleep.

Jai Harpalani. This is the name of the Indian guy I think that said, 'Do well,' to me.

I mean. Of all things. 'Do well.'

=.=
I don't know why I remember another encounter with him. It was when I nearly knocked into him with an umbrella. And he said another weird comment. He said, "Take care.' Not like Oh be careful. But like, take care of yourself. HUH?!

Well, maybe I know why. Maybe he looks quite okay. But whatever I don't think I'm liking him. I think he's my height. HAHA.

Recently in Maple, I met a guy called Quill. He's Javanese and he seems kinda nice. He's been in the same shit like I did. Only his was prolly worse as she sort of use him. I could somehow relate to him. I feel that I care for this persona of his and well... ahem.
And recently my ex called. I'm in a dilemma of whether should I get on with my life or give us another chance.

He said some things to his ex that totally isn't fair to me. That really hurts me and I think I don't deserve shits like that. I really don't. I mean, I just wish to not be hurt. That's all.

Two days ago I went to the open cinema with a friendand it was fun. We watched The Devil Wears Prada and Littleman. Haha. I love TDWP. I've watched it 3 times already. Thank God he found this piece of wood or we'd be wetting our butts. He has extra tickets.

The only bad thing is that our butts were sore a while later.

I've never been out with a guy like that before. I mean it was perfectly friendly and he was perfectly amiable. A gentleman AND a friend. I mean, cause guys that I went out with as friends made me feel somewhat disgusted. Oh wait. I do have another friend. But with him it was like brotherly sort of thing. Also awkward at the same time because he wasn't really very er... well, we had stuff to talk about but didn't really really click. Hmm.


Moo.

Oh. And when I wanted to get that HarryPotter book just now the girl told me that it's sold out. I mean before that I booked a book that day! And it was the last one and the other day when I went to get it the girl told me her boss asked her to sell it to another customer though I already booked it! Sooo okay... I'm okie but until today when I'm supposed to get it. UGH. Then she calls me and tells me it's out. But I'm okie with that if only she didn't say her boss told her it's like... out. Like her boss isn't going to get more.

Oh. I got so agitated that I told her that they promised me. And that she had better ask her boss. In a im-very-annoyed-sort-of-way.

Ugh. So that's my day.

Name Found!

I finally found out what's the mysterious guy with the accent's name!

The one I was in the lift with! Hehe! Weirdly he always wears the same clothes. They don't seem overworn... Black top. Cargo pants.

His name is Francis Siah.

AHAHA Boon Hock. Mmm Oops this is supposed to be annonymous.

Haha. His id is 10590 weu weu. He came to take his paper.

Darn. I forgot to check what course he is in. UGH.

*bangs head to wall*

Bird.

Is saying goodbye one of the hardest thing to do?

Or is making the decision to let someone go harder?
And pushing them towards it...


Does letting someone go actually means loving one?

We are selfish.
It is a well known fact.
Not everyone can be so generous as to put others wishes before ours.
It is always what we want.
Particularly when that person is quite close to us.

But will you let something go if it cannot be retrieved again?
If it's for the sake of the bird? So that it may soar up high in the sky?
In the heavens while carrying your hopes and wants?

I have been selfish all these while.

I decide to be selfish no longer.