Joyce is a Sham. At least that's what I think.

It is best to keep unhappy things to oneself. After a week of contemplation, I have decided to remain discreet about something that has kept my wheels of thought reeling. To of course, someone who would be most affected by it.

Though I shall not disclose this particular information to the person it would be most suitably directed to, upon the excuse 'He wouldn't believe me anyway', I cannot help but feel I need to heave it off my chest.

As you might not know, my life of the past year has been filled with gaps and blank puzzle pieces. Missing quite a number renders the picture unfanthomable. The answer never seems to come to pass. The long periods of waiting for something to come around the bend seems to never come to pass.

Yes he has made a great deal of commotion and drama in my life and I cherished the good times but I am glad I am over the bad times. More often than not, the bad things always tend to stick to the particles of your memories.

One of his suspicions was that his ex, Joyce, is an Auntie. I have not believed him a single bit. Because the idea was just too outrageous. Imagine being with someone who turns out to be a sham. Suddenly you didn't know what to believe anymore. I know he tells me this yet he hopes for something inside of him. 'That it is not true'.

And well, who am I to pop his bubble.

So yes I have not believed him a single bit. Until...

Seven days ago, on the 12th of January, someone called me on the phone. It was Joyce. With her nickname. Spe(xxx). XXX means it has been crossed out. As you can see, I have not gotten over the paranoia that someone will discover me in writing. Someone as aforementioned. The lady who is in every way vibrant in virtue.

I was astonished. I walked to the kitchen to get away from the commotion (a party). Not daring to breathe, I listened. I heard voices in the background. A woman talking to a man though unclear. This continued for 1 min and 44 seconds. I said hello. No answer. I ended the call. I called back. Nobody picked up.

Minutes later, she called back.

We talked.

Her: Who is this? You called me just now.
Me: Oh no you called me first. Was there something that you want?
Her: No, I didn't call you. (Though she obviously did).
Me: Perhaps it was a wrong number.
Her: Oh, okay then.
Me: Goodbye.
Her: Bye.

I hung up and was lost in my thoughts for a bit. I thought, 'Her voice sounded awfully familiar'.
It sounded like the recording of Joyce's voice. Only, less... refined. Less careful. More aunt-ish manner of speaking. In the recording she chose her words with great care. In the call she carelessly threw it around in an Ah Liang manner. In fact she sounded a bit annoyed. But in the recording it was loving. If only I could get her to speak to me lovingly... XD

I called her back the second time, under the pretense of double checking.

Me: Hello, maybe you called to look for my mother?
Her: (I couldn't really hear what she said, sometimes she talked in Chinese, sometimes English; since the recording was in English I tried to get her talking in English as much as possible) No, no I didn't.
Me: Are you sure? Because my mother's name is (censored for privacy). Are you sure you aren't looking for her?
Her: Yes, I didn't call this number.
Me: Oh, very well then, goodbye.

When I hung up, I was disturbedly positive, that the lady I just spoke to was Joyce. Else I fervently pray that perhaps both Joyce and Auntie sound the same.

She texted me after that.

'I am Mrs Lim from Kelantan. What is your mother's name? Your number was unnamed in my directory so I thought there must be a reason why it's there, so I thought I knew you. Maybe I know your mother.'

I remember very well why my number was in her directory. Because I sent a wrong msg to her particular number. And what sort of weird people have the uncanny knack of saving numbers of wrong msgs in their phone? I do not for one.

Me: 'Her name is Florence Lai*. My name is Samantha Lai* (Changed to protect my own privacy XD and to avoid detection. I do not know why she is calling me but I do not like it one bit. It makes me uneasy.) If you do not know her then it must be a wrong number.

Her reply: I know something-Lai, something-Lai, something-Lai but I do not know who Florence Lai is. Nevertheless, I will keep this number just in case it is someone I know. Nice to meet you. Goodnight.

Me: Like I said it is most probably a wrong number. Bye.

------


So yes, after that day I have been waiting for him to come online so that I can unblock him to tell him this uncanny news. But after a week and some reflection upon the subject, I come to the conclusion it is best to keep unhappy things to oneself. Particularly when I have nothing to prove and I wish not to come into argument just because of my opinions. It is one thing to have an opinion, and quite another to force it on someone who is least wanting to hear of it. Particularly when it brings that person no good. I am afraid it might burst his bubble and he shall be of want. Of her sturdy, motherly fountain.

So in short, he wouldn't believe me anyway. Why should I tell him? It is for me to know.

But yes, I am, undeniably, inclined to believe that Mrs. Lim is Joyce.

The End.

-------

Well, okay not quite the end. A few days ago, I called a childhood friend of mine. Kate.

I found out M cheated on me with her last year. It was hard to deal with when I had tried to keep the friendship between Kate and I going. The reason why I remembered was probably because it was my birthday. And also his birthday. The irony.

Without having to speak, you should know that I was dreadfully hurt, and upset, and angry. Very angry. I was fuming mad. Until she changed her number and continued her rendezvous with him, saying how lucky it is that she has evaded me and so to speak, 'Thank God she doesn't know. I was so scared when she found out.'

Well, I have only one wish that time. That is he does not hide it from me and break it off with me first. Reading that I felt like the third party being in a place where she doesn't belong.

So back to the point. I called her and sorted things out with her. Told her it was okay to continue doing whatever she wanted with M because I got over him. She breezily told me that there's nothing between them both and says she's got no feelings for him and he doesn't have feelings for her. Well, she too, had breezily told me this back then. *shrug* It is none of my concern anymore I suppose. I am just glad that I have ended the feeling of dislike and again return to my old self. Life is great without someone that brings you down because of dislike. She told me she was glad and that was sorry for the things she had done. This was of course, after my own apology of saying harsh words to her.

I admit. I called her a bitch. She was being bitchy after all. ^^;

Well, she was a friend who gave me those beautiful lily bulbs when I was young after all. Flowers that I truly cherished and looked after, which gave me many full blooms. So then, she shall remain an acquaintance.

It is better to have distance when you've tasted the sharp end of a person's dark persona.

Penang Trip

Well well, suffice to say it has been a great week!

On a side note. Things that I didn't post the last post.

I am not Cheap!
Just because I held hands with a guy that I know very well, at least he's more real to me than you are so don't you dare judge me!
Just because something you say would rub off your ego, you don't always have to say it. *scoff*
I have always wondered whether you were always this immature. I thought that perhaps we could continue just as friends, but Nooo something in you just have to spoil it. Grow up please.

-----



I have refrained from posting anything about him because he told me not to. Which was strange for me. Because not that I thought my words would have any impact on anyone. So someone already knew the game on Christmas. Just because of a small little gesture. So since the cat is out of the bag, there isn't much of fun poking and teasing anymore. ._.

But life is short and ever changing, we might not be able to celebrate next Christmas together, you'll never know. But then again, you'll never know if one is destined to be with you. After the movie Amelie, that I watched, it's so different. Magical in a sense. Like relationships are dropped from the vast skies in shapes of crystalline stars. One each for every outstretched hand, waiting for Destiny to drop a crystal into it.

So before I forget, I had better write about my trip to Penang.

28th December
Early morning, I didn't sleep for fear I wouldn't wake up. Actually I didn't sleep because I was playing games. So yes I packed and waited for YT. Felt fresh for some reason. Went out to the tree in front of the house to sit, something I've not done before. Especially in the mornings. Saw a man doing his daily excercise. Saw him do taichi and funny movements. Felt amused. Steph came by and sat next to me and told me about Mr.30plus-but-doing-taichi-exercises.
Waited an hour, was on the verge of being toppled over by Pique when Sam, Hannah's guy arrived. It is the first time I am meeting him.

A whiff of donuts greeted me and their cheery voices of course. First time observing Hannah and Sam. Felt awkward at first. The trip up was long. But not too long. Steph said I snored. ._. I KNEW I DID. aaaah. Yes, I have 3 kinds of snores ladies and gentlemen.

When we reached we were mighty hungry and we went and had Penang Fried Kuey Tiao but with Duck Eggs. Alas, I tasted nothing special about it. YT said it wasn't that nice either. ._. Then we went and walked around in search of something nice to eat, and we ended up at this restaurant that well, isn't *that* nice either, but I liked the dumplings there. Yummy.

Then the next morning, we had breakfast at the hotel. The miso soup was sour ._. But I drank it all the same. I could say the nicest thing there that morning was the cereal and the chicken sausages.

After that I was stuffed. And we waited for Joanne, YT's friend to come and bring us around. Joanne has shoulder length straight hair and I took a liking to her immediately after I got in the car. We went for the famous curry mee. Mind you, I had a shock when I discovered that they put blood into soup. To thicken it. Or something. Pig's blood, or chicken I'm not sure. But @@ Ugh!!

So I stressed no blood.

No. Blood.

It tasted slightly different. But I liked it. YUM!
After that was cendol.

AND OH! The first thing you wonder about Penang is;

Why are all the streeets One Way?

The answer came when I tried crossing the road.
Answer: If it were 2 ways, I'd probably die.

The roads are crazy! Cars just squeeze in any space they could find. And I had to hold Steph's hand each time I cross the road. *shudder* And the sun... oh the oh-so-very-hot-sun...

Actually the sun is hot everywhere, just that we don't have to walk that much when in our own residency. So yea. I had my umbrella. Blue with winnie the pooh patterns. And it broke. And I still had to use it even though it was broken. Quite embarrassing but hey I'd rather be embarrassed than grilled. =D

So back to the Cendol. There are lots and lots of people at the cendol shop. Like really, there's a crowd even standing outside the shop scooping their cendols into their mouths. I am personally not a fan of cendol but I like that cendol! @@ It was milky and yummy. And the ice melts down into your throat. Trickle. Aaaaah I'm like a satisfied kitty.

Ah and I think I have a new favourite drink. Barley sengkam ice. Barley with a tangy taste. Ooh!

Then we went to Queensbay Mall and the sun was hot. The palm tree wasn't covering us sufficiently so I had to run to a nearby shade which was a bus. High school students were getting off the bus and they gave me looks and I gave them looks.

In the end I couldn't take their looks, (many against one you know) and I trudged back to YT and Steph. Palm tree. I loitered around for an hour or so while they had their Thai massage. I don't think I'd fancy a massage. *gulp*

By the time Joanne came to pick us up, I was so drop dead tired. My backbone was aching. I slept in the car. I was exhausted. We were at Tambun when I woke up. And we had such a nice nice nice nice nice dinner. It was so fulfilling and oh I loved the fish! It was tangy too.

I think I certainly shocked Sam who didn't know about my eating capabilities. =D
The vegetable was so spicy I couldn't finish the bit I took. *cough* shove it unto *cough* the plate *cough cough* nobody saw it XD

Sam burped a lot.

A Lot.

So yea, the next day was church and I felt a bit sleepy in church. I always do. But at least I was conscious enough to hear him talking about termites. The worker termites actually die because when the queen died, they didn't have a purpose to live. They lived for their queen. How noble.

Then Sam was doing a fishing action, and I couldn't stand him being peevish. I mean he was cheeky but I always gave him that F3 look and just ignored him, but I smacked him on the shoulder when he did that. =__=

Cheeky.
Fella.

Then we met Joanne's church members, and Oh dear... I forgot her name, but she reminded me of Charmaine. I had a nice time talking to her. Then, we went back home. And that's about it.

Well, I was at YT's friend's house. Kazzy. I like Kazzy too. And her kitties. I like Invader. He's a Casanova Cat. Miao~

Well Happy New Year folks!

CG.

I've always wanted to write but I just didn't get around to it.

Firstly, I had a really really nice girl talk with Steph, YT and Hannah, at a Jap Restaurant. It wasn't a planned thing. More like an impromptu talk. So yea, I was stressed with exams back then, so it was really quite relieving to just gather and lament about things that are causing stress.

And we had our good laughs and everything just seemed much better. Of course their situations are worse than mine then. They were just over their limits. I'm glad we managed to let a bit of our stress out that day. It's really been so long since I had loads of fun having girl talk.

Recently I've been helping out Steph with her Fishbone program at her tuition centre. And I think I've just about found my new path of interest? Teaching. I've always put it away from my mind because I just shut out the idea. Because mom was a teacher. So if Accounts does not work out for me, I'd be taking up an English diploma. To teach foreign students or something.

The kids at the centre were fun. They were shy at first, but after that they gradually opened up and even laughed. Whether with or at me, I'm really not quite sure. It was a shy smile at first, but oh ho. I couldn't squeeze much talk out of the shy ones but I kept prodding. I think I like Mian Ying. She's sweet in her own way. Well, alright =/ She looks sweet. And her writing is the best out of the rest so far. But Suet gives me funny quirky ideas too.

As for marking their passages, I'm not sure how to mark... And I'm not even sure if my grammar is right. =/
But I tried my best and I had my fun. =)


But firstly, I just *have* to say... EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D

Yt told us that she got a job as a travelling writer. I am glad for her but I am also sad because she's leaving us, or at least won't be with us for quite as much anymore. I look to her as a peer and I've never thought of her as being in the other generation. We just remarked about how odd it is. And a friend of mine also told me today that she has a BF (Best Friend) that isn't very trustworthy at all. I shudder to think that I would have a best friend like that. A friend I can't trust with my BoyF because she'll be jealous and basically wanting him for herself? That's scary. =(

And I've also found out about a friend. Sadly, that friend isn't being very truthful. It pains me because the actions of this friend is causing another friend of mine pain. Actually, would cause pain if that friend found out that is. But I cannot help but feel angry and sad for that particular friend of mine. Why don't people be true to themselves and do the things that show them true but instead well... not? I just simply cannot imagine how one keeps things from another even when they've associated with each other for a long time.

._.

Well that's it for today.

It was nearly two months since I posted something. Shall I tell you about what happened to me for these 2 months or rather my feelings now?

I think, now.

I found out exam was next week. Bit of a shock for me because I thought I'd have more time to study. So here I am trying to calm myself through writing. I've refrained from writing for so long because there's just something vulnerable about writing how you felt. And I'd like to keep to myself for a bit.

But really, I was shocked I could numbly look at my books and papers in class. Class starts at 10 but I'm here early. Actually class starts at 10 but I thought it was 9.

So... calm my nerves...

Okay. That's it. No more games for me, all there is now for me and next week is benkyo benkyo benkyo.

Then I have to print some, attendance docket. Not entirely sure what was that.
Then my schedule was actually in the magazine which isn't delivered to me but to my brother instead. So, really, I'm clueless about what I'm supposed to do. What I'm supposed to have.

Relax. Don't panic.

No more games. I am constantly reminded by what he said (teacher). He said cannot last minute cram such things. I cannot help feeling ... I cannot help not having a deep interest... it was partially because really I'm clueless about whatever it is they teach. They teach well, it's just my fault. I feel @@ and huh..???

I was feeling really down becauuse of an email from an acquaintance. He is gay. I told him what I thought according to my beliefs, that it was wrong but yet to me he would still be my friend. I think he wanted me to say he was right. But I'm sorry. He said unkind things and truly I felt hurt because I really did want to help him. I wasn't judging him. I was just being honest. I am sorry that we could not be friends and that our diversity has created a rift between us.

About my past one, I think I've learnt to let go. I cried the other day after such a long time. And the thing is it came just suddenly. Like a wave hitting the beach without a sound. I think it means that my wall of numbness has gone away. I mean I was laughing and such before that. But now perhaps I am strong enough to face my own conflicts.

I think it is time to control and manage my time. Time management. I ran away from reality for quite some time now. Seeking comforts at the wrong place. I mean it's not wrong. I do feel conforted but I know that I cannot hide any longer. My reprieve is over. Time to get my life back on track.

I think I'll be working with Steph soon. Might be teaching primary school students with creative writing. Not quite sure if I could do it, but I'll try =)

Okay. Toodles. Time for class.

I'm still quite shaken by the fact that exam is so near and I'm such a screw up and failure for not even preparing for it. I knew it. I seen it coming. I am quite contradictory.

Though I beat myself up inside constantly bout not studying and stuff, yet... I do nothing about it. It is something that I have brought upon myself and I shall not lament upon it. All that is left to do is to be quiet and dilligently toil myself through studies 24/7. Well alright, 18/7.

Goodbye blog. Intensive studies starts from today.

Message about Abortion.

Month 1
Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs. The sound ofyour heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month 2
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me, you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Month 3
You know what Mommy, I'm a girl!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too, and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month 4
Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of mytime exercising. I can turn my headand curl my fingers and toes, and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month 5
You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not ababy. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion?

Month 6
I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless.Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy!! HELP me!!

Month 7
Mommy, I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. he is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me, Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

I think this is quite touching. It was forwarded in friendster and all but I didn't like to post anything there.

The Closed Chapter.

Today is the 28th.

I stopped contacting Mark on the 20th.
He said he didn't contact joyce at all but he did.
He emailed her and bla bla bla...

Lies. And then he told me he didn't.

I called him just now to confront him and it was true. He admitted that he just sent a message to congratulate her.
Hello? It's still contacting. Lies. Lies. Excuses to cover up lies.
But nevertheless still a satisfactory explanation.

Then I asked, 'Did you tell her you like her?'
"Yes'
'Did you tell her you miss her?'
'Yes'
"Did you tell her you love her?'
'Yes'
Seriously... no more I should ask. He said he thinks I'm the catalyst of why he starts liking her again after the 20th.

After I didn't want to talk to him he said.
Hah. You know what's the reason we broke up? Because he's not ready to meet. Not fcking ready to meet. How long do I have to wait? Another 2 years? Then I said you're not ready to be with me, it's like you're not even ready for a commitment!
And then he says, fine maybe I shouldn't be with you then.

Seriously, this is all crap and bullshit. Relationships are not meant to be like that.
If that's how it is, so easily fragile and broken, then it's a really shallow relationship isn't it? An immature one.

Being with him was hard because it was like constantly being overshadowed by his ex.
And he didn't help in matters much also. Before this it was hard, I had a reason to be in insecurity all the time.

When I tried not to, things would always happen.

In the end, the ashes of my tears, are really of my own foolishness. Love is a game that's never fair.
I'm just foolish enough to believe he truly loved me.
'It's not you that pains me, it's yours lies.'
He said, 'Everybody says that.'

That's when I knew, I'm just one of the other girls. Just one of them. Played. Dealt. Move-aside-I'm-Done-With-You.

And now I'm crying. My heart hurts. Heh who doesn't.
Life's like that. I'm just sorry it lasted so long. But I am a persistent person. I suppose after this I can finally leave without regrets. Perhaps it is just something that I should learn. I mean during the long time span.

Nothing is bad about Mark. He's nice. It's just quite ethereal because we didn't meet like normal people. And there's also his past with his ex. Always there. He always does love her and it was hard. And also the issue of lies to cover it up. I'm sick and tired of the lies. I think this is for the better. It definitely is. I think.

'The 2nd shall replace the 1st.'
That's what God told me. Through YT. I think it's time to really believe in God and say no should any chance arise for some sort of reconciliation.

He's nice. Just his excess baggages. Everyone has it yet really, it's exhausting to tarry on with those baggages for 2 years plus. Really... isn't it time he or she moved on already?
So, to me, it's just not gonna work if it's gonna be like this, "online', and having this constant figure undermining me. Zilch. Nada. Not gonna work.

I feel sad. It could have been something very meaningful. And it was something that took so much of my heart... and I've no idea what hopes or dreams I had put into it, but... I just feel sad that it turned out like this.

One sentence. 'I should have known.'

I should have known he's gonna be a weirdo. I mean not meeting? Immature. How many real guys out there actually have this problem? Sucks. Totally sucks.
I should have known I'm in a relationship with his ex as well.
I should have known he's prone to cheating on me too. With his ex. It was really painful to read all he wrote to her for the entire period of which we were together. I might not want to admit it, but he was still in love with her all along.

I think that's about it. Other than that, he's Mr Perfect.
Oh and his ego. He's somewhat the dominant type.

I didn't regret his faults. Perhaps it's good lesson for me that I may know how to handle hardships in relationships in the future. Once bitten twice shy mar :)
One thing I know, I think I'm a pretty good gf. I mean I'm loving. Nice and warm :(
Funny. I'm always funny. I... think.

The things that I'm not are, gentle. Submissive. Emo (?? am I emo? ; eh it's one thing being emotional when you have the cause to be emotional but it's totally another thing if you're emotional with no cause at all).

Ah... I was feeling very crummy at first. I mean I was crying and heart was pain pain and all. But hey, after blogging it seems to be A Okay again =) I mean blogging really is a sort of therapy. Or is it? I mean it's just nice venting out.

Bee and Hermit.

Today I went out. To Sungai Wang. I now have to keep reminding myself that I shall not to go out again.

It took me 2 hours to get there. 2 hours to get back. Going isn't so bad. I could sit. But coming back? Wow.
My feet are achingly exhausted. My nerves in my feet are jumping and threathening to twist themselves any minute now.

Met a friend's brother. He is 10 years old, and he is such a cute little boy. Erm. Nothing much about my friend. He's 16 and it was okay. We didn't talk much. Was kinda weird. We mapled at the cybercafe. And, that's about it.

Rushed to my bath straight out and now I'm here. Clean and cosy like a cat.

There was so much travelling. o.o
First there was the bus, then there was the train, then there was the monorail. Then the same thing all over again.

One thing I learnt about today was that, erm. Normally when you see those 'pilak' people, you'd feel like you'd wanna move to one side? To avoid body contact. Shunt. Shunt. *shudder*

But today I saw one got up from his seat and gave his seat to the lady in the bus. He didn't look very educated but there was a pang inside. I didn't look at him the way I look at others anymore. The 'eyeing' look. I always eye suspicious people. It's to say, 'Hey you, I'm watchful about you. Don't you dare do anything hanky panky.'

Well. That's about it today.
And my legs feel so smooth. I used this Hair Removal Mousse by Veet. Hmm, very nice. Feels like silk. And I'm so thirsty today. I don't know why.