10th January 2010

It’s been nearly a month since I wrote. On the 23rd of December was my downfall. I did something I wasn’t supposed to and things have been going the wrong way since then. I’ve become more involved with A. To the point of being rejected even though i didn’t know it was that at first.

It happened again the day after I had an outburst of emotions. The day I got turned down, so to speak. It won’t happen again. I just couldn’t hold my feelings in but I have made up my mind (when I was recovering from a hangover without the headache today) that I don’t want to keep something that will make me sad around my heart.

I thought I’ve gotten so tipsy on Christmas on soju… that it was bad enough that it was the first time I drank so much that I vomitted. It was gross. 2 cups at that. Ugh.

But yesterday, topped it off. It was my birthday and I wasn’t feeling like it was anything special. I had 6 different types of alcohol, ugh. i’m staying away from drinking like how I’ve always done before this. Celebrating is not an excuse anymore because there is nothing to celebrate! Yay! so there’s Whisky, irish beer, WATERFALL (flaming thing that tastes powdery like Chinese medicine, horribly potent do not take it; the guy who gave it to me got killed by a hitman I hired), wine, vodka, champagne. All of them don’t taste too good, but that’s because I don’t like alcohol. Yesterday was bizarre as hell. We ended up staying a friend’s place. More like an acquaintance. And that person is messed up.

It was a pity because I thought he seemed adorable, as in silly adorable like a guy goofing around, having fun. Yah, goofy. Which translates to adorable, cute. But alas, he has a terrible addiction to weed, but I’m not judging. It’s just sad that people don’t realise that there just has to be more to it in life than weed, or alcohol, or partying. I mean, I’ve always thought that people realise it but, recently I just don’t know anymore. I wish that person would stop being messed up because I actually do care. But why am I not saying it to him? Because what would be the point? They think it is fun. And besides, he’s not my friend. And besides, people don’t just go around caring for strangers.

But overall, I think when I’m tipsy, I still remember things, and I hate the feeling of vomitting, and I would say out my real feelings or thoughts about things. And more importantly, I become very emo, because that would be when my real feelings would surface. Like when things bother me, I wouldn’t know it actually does bother me until well, I cry. When I cry, then I realised how much it actually bothered me.

How much this whole fiasco with A is bothering me. It bothers me that I like him more and more. My thoughts yesterday when I was looking at everybody in my tipsy haze, was that there are so many guys in front of me right now, why can I not have feelings for just any one of them?

I didn’t realise this whole thing was making me so sad inside, until well, yesterday. And today in my hangover without the headache phase; not hungry, thinking of food makes me want to heave, emo unhappy sad., I was thinking, why make myself so unhappy over this? Over a guy? If I stop having these feelings for him then I won’t be unhappy anymore.

If I am sad, it means he is not making me happy. Because if he is, I wouldn’t be feeling sad. But he can’t make me happy, because he doesn’t want it. He cannot have a commitment. Honestly, guys can’t figure out what girls are thinking. If you’d ask me, I can’t figure out what he’s thinking. He wants it but he’s afraid. Then when I take the first step, he backed off. This is the 2nd time in my life that I felt rejection. After I got rejected by the first guy I told myself I would never do something stupid like this again. I have had enough, I am washing my hands from having feelings for A.

The next time if there is going to be someone important to me, he’s going to be able to put his arms around me when I’m upset.

Oh, and I got an F for Economics n Society, like wtf. It’s like you’re telling me I failed English. I mean, I put in so much effort in this subject compared to the others. I have like a’s and a b but suddenly an F!! Like wth. 50% lecturer 50% exam, lecturer gave me 47/50. The only reason I’d get an F is that I didn’t get 25/50 for my exam but I am confident that I did okay!! ZZ AT LEAST I was certain that I would pass because I answered everything. Wth. But anyhow, going to see how I can fix it tomorrow, if I can’t, meh, it’s alright, I’ll just have to repeat it. Just feeling upset that that’s going to cost rm450 more. Like wth.